


my worst nightmare (is your biggest dream)

by tywfh



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Fortune Telling, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Plot, Suicide Attempt, actually not, anxious sunwoo, fluff if you squint your eyes, stubborn chanhee, suicide letter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:28:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27655493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tywfh/pseuds/tywfh
Summary: his whole body was trembling as he slowly also lost the strength in his grip; getting weaker after each passing second. and as ifchanheereally wanted this, he took revenge of it and let — without any further thinking and regret — the hand holding him tightly go. “CHANHEE,” he screamed for his boyfriend, voice cracking as the tears kept flowing out of his eyes, while he tried everything to reach for the older’s hand again. but in that moment he already had lost what he loved the most; it was simply too late to catch him.even with his overly blurry vision he could clearly see named boy‘s body falling down, meeting the ground with a loud bang. the whole scene was burned forever into sunwoo’s mind and kept repeating itself over and over again.
Relationships: Choi Chanhee | New/Kim Sunwoo
Comments: 2
Kudos: 30





	my worst nightmare (is your biggest dream)

**Author's Note:**

> **you’ll understand once you finish reading why i didn’t choose the warning “major character death”**
> 
> should i be concerned that i got this idea while i tried to sleep? yes, definitely. i’m still practicing my writing in english so if this’ kinda weird that’s why 💔💔💔 also omg i hope this isn’t rushed

the cold winter air coming from the slight opened windows, had spread itself through the whole bedroom over night, causing sunwoo to wake up from his heavy sleep. his body started freezing even with the thick blanket covering him and chanhee’s body warmth. quickly he realized he couldn’t feel second anymore and as he turned around there was no trace of the other boy. his jaw dropped when he turned his head to the clock. 

_2:18 am_. 

why wasn’t he lying right next to him? where would he go at this time? more similar questions flooded through sunwoo’s head, getting him more and more worried. 

practically jumping off the bed the korean man tried to search for a letter or anything that could tell him where the fuck his boyfriend went. after a few seconds of searching he let out a noise of victory, already holding the paper in his hands. but as soon as he started reading the messy written letters (guessing that chanhee must’ve been shaking while writing them down), he realized it definitely wasn’t the kind of letter he wished to just have discovered.

> _hey sunwoo,_
> 
> _i’ll be honest writing this letter feels weird but i don’t want to leave you without saying goodbye. that’s not how my mother raised me right? hahaha. and since i can’t do it in person without breaking down, this will work out fine too._
> 
> _i just wanted to tell you how much i love you sunwoo. i love you so so much. you genuinely don’t know how much. you’ve been always here for me and you’ve tried everything to help me. and that was always enough, really. please don’t blame yourself for this, because all of this is my fault. you were always so patient with me, what makes it hurt even more to actually do this. fuck, i love you so god damn much. i can’t believe i’ll just hurt you like this after you gave me everything._
> 
> _i’m so sorry sunwoo but it’s getting too much, i can’t stay strong anymore. i really tried. i tried so hard baby. i tried especially for you and kind of for myself. i’m so so sorry, i really am. but i can’t anymore, everything hurts so bad. i already wanted to end it a while ago and i feel ready to do it now. i’m so sorry please forgive me one day... it’s selfish of me, i know. but i know you’ll move on. you’ll get your life done without me, okay? i kept you away from many things you’d love to do, just because i can’t be left alone with knives in the same building. i’m so sorry sunwoo. i was so exhausting to you, you didn’t deserve any of this._
> 
> _when you got to know me you wanted me to love you and i did — i still and will always do. but i didn’t warn you that dating me will break you apart because you’d have to deal with me. i’m so fucking sorry sunwoo. you deserve to be happy. you honestly deserve the best in the world. but you got me; had to take care of me the whole time, spent so much time of your life with helping me. that wasn’t necessary, i truly don’t know why you did all of this for me._
> 
> _please forget me like i was never in your life and try to fix what i messed up in my lifetime. it’s probably a lot and i should be fixing it instead of you but it’s not that easy when i’m dead haha. sunwoo, i’m so sorry baby. i know exactly how much this will hurt you and i still haven’t changed my mind. see this is what i mean; you always deserved better in first place. i ruined so much for you i’m so sorry. whoever you were about to date before you chose me, they should have been the one. your life would be so much less complicated now, you would probably even be married who knows._
> 
> _i’ve hurt you so much and i’m sorry for that. the amount of times i’ve scared you, the amount of times i ruined the mood, the amount of times i didn’t let you near me... i feel terrible for all the things i’ve done to you sunwoo._
> 
> _thank you for everything you did for me. thank you for being the first one that loved me like that. i love you even more, forever._
> 
> _— chanhee ♡_

sunwoo couldn’t believe his eyes; this was nothing else than chanhee’s suicide letter. he could feel his heartbeat pounding everywhere, body suddenly feeling nothing but heavy. staying on the spot, tears started trickling down his cheeks for minutes, before his brain was finally able to progress what that meant. his boyfriend was going to — or worse; _already did_ — kill himself. 

the burning in his lungs got unbearable, as he ran as fast as he could, totally ignoring how much stamina he actually had. he kept on running, fearless to get out of breath since there was no need to be scared; knowing humans usually didn’t use their whole power but when they got in danger, they suddenly were able to use 100% of their skills. the human body saved that power for extreme situations — and this was one.

the pain in his feet increased — he felt like every part of his weak body was taking turns in breaking apart — thanks to his all stars; the nearest shoes he could grab but absolute horrible to run in. and he still didn‘t even think of stopping, after all he still had to save chanhee. _that_ was his priority and not his stupid choice of shoes. he didn‘t know where the faith of the older still being alive came from — maybe he just didn‘t want to believe the opposite — but it somehow gave his body a new wave of energy. his feet carried him to the next bridge, the only way he could think of how chanhee would end it. 

sunwoo didn‘t know a lot about suicide, he really didn‘t. these dots were everything he could connect. one; chanhee was outside in the middle of the night, planning to die there and not somewhere else. two; knowing his boyfriend damn well, chanhee never ever wished to have a painful dead. he always tried to find a faster way to finish things, so the only thing left that made sense to the younger was jumping off a bridge. 

“please be there,“ he begged quietly with the shakiest words he had ever heard falling from his own lips, as he got closer to the bridge. pace slowing down, finally allowing his lungs to receive enough air to lessen the burn, he saw a human figure in the dark. it was standing in front of the bridge and when it climbed over to the other side, sunwoo started to panic. 

no. no. no. he’s here now. he won’t just stand there paralyzed and watch chanhee throw himself down. no fucking way. 

before he could even realize anything, he was running again. he screamed the boy’s name, so loud it was hard to believe that no one else heard him that night. called boy’s head shot up, meeting his boyfriend’s worried expression with his own anxious gaze. _he shouldn’t be here and he definitely shouldn’t see this_ , was what went through chanhee’s mind. meanwhile sunwoo was more than happy to see him alive. “please baby, get up from there. we’ve got this okay? this isn’t the right choice.” his hand gripped the other’s strongly, making sure there was no way he could fall. 

unlike every other day where sunwoo’s encouraging words were enough to keep chanhee away from doing things he’ll regret later on, he resisted to listen this time. at first no reaction followed from the korean male until he broke the eye contact and let go of where he was holding himself up, sunwoo’s hand now being the only thing keeping him from falling. he knew that this wasn’t right, that this was the worst thing he could possibly think of doing. he really didn’t want to do this.

kill himself in front of the person who he loved the most, so he would end up traumatizing the person who he loved the most with the sight of it, but chanhee had said to himself prior tonight, 

_there’s no going back. today you’ll die_.

and he was always true to his words, no matter how bad he just felt in this moment. in his entire life he had never been like this, so fucking selfish to not care about someone else’s feelings. the visible hints of chanhee’s decision made sunwoo speechless, overwhelmed with what he was supposed to do, what was the right thing to say — after all he wasn’t a specialized therapist; just the older’s boyfriend. 

either way he didn’t want to lose the other boy. not now and not like this. 

“baby, please. please let me help you. i’m here for you and will always be. i love you so god damn much. please, please, please.” he tasted salty tears on his lips, as he went silent again. the more he spoke, the harder it got for him to breath properly. everything hurt, both physically — from using his whole strength on the hand holding tightly onto chanhee‘s own, causing every other part of his body to get impossibly weak, even standing becoming a difficult challenge. and mentally — not being able to progress the older‘s decision.

his whole body was trembling as he slowly also lost the strength in his grip; getting weaker after each passing second. and as if _chanhee_ really wanted this, he took revenge of it and let — without any further thinking and regret — the hand holding him tightly go. “CHANHEE,” he screamed for his boyfriend, voice cracking as the tears kept flowing out of his eyes, while he tried everything to reach for the older’s hand again. but in that moment he already had lost what he loved the most; it was simply too late to catch him. 

even with his overly blurry vision he could clearly see named boy‘s body falling down, meeting the ground with a loud bang. the whole scene was burned forever into sunwoo’s mind and kept repeating itself over and over again. 

he let the horrible flashback happen, kept standing on the same spot as if he couldn’t move a single muscle anymore. but maybe he really couldn’t. maybe he was too shocked to do or think anything anymore. his boyfriend just committed suicide in front of his eyes, how else was he supposed to feel? 

the sound of someone’s voice caught his attention, too bad it sounded exactly like chanhee. if he was already hallucinating the older’s voice not even five minutes after his death, the following months would probably be hell for him; thinking over and over again that he’s sighting his boyfriend. the voice repeated slightly worried, “sunwoo?” named boy knew it was stupid, but he still ended up turning around. maybe this was real and the suicide attempt wasn’t. he wasn’t able to tell what the reality really was in the moment. 

but as expected; _nothing_. nothing but the darkness of the cool night was everything he could recognize. 

it was so stupid of sunwoo to believe _he_ would stand there, welcoming him into his arms. chanhee was dead and nothing in this world would change anything about it. the younger had to finally progress it — or at least _try to._

the voice still calling for him didn’t help. this time sure that he didn’t just imagine it, he turned around again. and still nothing. no matter how hard he tried to hold his tears back he couldn’t anymore. the pain still hadn’t gone away and slowly he really started to realize that there was no way for him to ever see chanhee again — at least not alive.

someone was still calling his name and he slowly felt like he was going insane. why could he hear chanhee’s voice over and over again when latter was dead? his breath started getting uneven as more time passed, warning him that he was close to passing out but before anything could happen it was suddenly over.

sunwoo found himself back on their bed, all the worries he just had vanishing at the same time. and as he opened his eyes and saw the delicate features of his boyfriend’s face he couldn’t be any happier. closing chanhee in his arms to hold him tightly and inhale his sweet scent. face burried in the other’s shoulder, he murmured, “you’re alive. oh my god you’re alive.”

“yes i am, sunwoo. baby everything’s okay. you were shaking and twisting around in your sleep so i guessed you had a nightmare and well, judging by your reaction it was worse than i expected.” chanhee laughed it off, but he knew it wasn’t funny — not for him nor for his boyfriend.

but after all his little laugh still ended up cheering sunwoo up. clearly hearing the sound of it through both his ears with the older so close brought more comfort to him than he‘d like to admit.

while he slowly remembered small pieces of his nightmare, sunwoo’s grip on his boyfriend tightened. more than he wanted to know _why_ he dreamt it in first place, he wanted to make sure that it would never happen. chanhee has gotten so important to him over the past years, never ever been a burden and he truly couldn‘t cope with the thought of losing him.

so he took a deep breath, trying to steady his voice the best he could before he started to speak, “please chanhee, i know that i’ll never be able to understand all the pain you have to handle everyday but please,” 

his words were cut off by his own loud sob — way louder than he expected it to sound, “please don’t k— please don’t kill yourself. i can’t handle that. i know it’s selfish but— but _i need you_ so much chanhee, you can’t believe. please don’t leave me, please. i’m begging you, please try to keep going. i’m here for you. please tell me when it gets worse. talk to me, please chanhee talk to me.”

sunwoo stuttered way too much, unable to say everything on his mind a loud. because saying what he wanted to transmit without any structure, turned out to be so much harder.

“if you feel the need to— to— to do it, tell me. don’t let me know with a sui— suici— with _that_ kind of letter. god please don’t do that. we can look for professional help, even if it takes years for you to open up i’m sure it’s going to help you a lot. remember you’re never alone with your problems. and— and better days will come, i promise. baby, i love you so much,” as he finally came to an end chanhee was burrying his head with so much force into sunwoo’s neck, it seemed like he tried to disappear in said body part.

and maybe he did want to. he felt bad for being the reason why the other felt like this, for causing problems without having done anything at all. as much as he tried to stop the thoughts they wouldn’t disappear.

all chanhee could think of was that he’s once again being the mistake, that he messed up _everything_.

and that made him cry bitterly, sobs muffled by sunwoo’s skin. named boy maybe wasn’t able to hear but chanhee knew that without any barrier between his face and the neck he was currently crying into, it was impossible to not notice the wetness all the tears brought.

finally pulling away, he couldn’t manage to force out more of his dry throat than a short but honest apology. “you don’t have to apologize,” sunwoo muttered, placing a kiss on the older’s head. and he really meant it, chanhee didn’t do anything wrong — he _rarely_ did. even though latter didn‘t want to believe what the younger was telling him, he kept his mouth shut. way too exhausted to argue with the other when he knew it would result to him being showered with sunwoo‘s love.

love that he didn‘t (and surely never would) deserve.

as more time passed without any words leaving their mouths, chanhee decided to at least try to explain to his boyfriend why he felt the way he did. “i know you say i shouldn’t apologize and that i did nothing wrong but i just feel so guilty. my brain tries to tell me that whatever i do it’ll end up hurting you. i know it’s not the truth but the longer that stupid voice in my head tells me the believable it gets.” fresh tears left the corners of his eyes, resulting his surroundings to get blurry and he himself feeling dizzy.

sunwoo’s arms were once again softly wrapped around chanhee’s weak body, holding him tightly in place. as if the younger was scared that chanhee would stand up and run away — far away from his problems. even though it would be so fucking stupid, he couldn’t just run away from everything and pretend that his problems would disappear once he started ignoring them. as beautiful as that would be, it simply wasn’t the reality — the unfair and horrible reality.

“i understand and that’s why whenever it happens, i try my best to be here for you and tell you that you aren’t hurting anyone,” he said, while drawing circles on chanhee’s back, truly trying his best to comfort his overwhelmed boyfriend. but all chanhee could think of was that he was in fact a burden, so he replied, “i’m so annoying. i’m so sorry.” he was so done with himself and couldn’t understand why sunwoo was still infront of him in this moment.

why he was trying to be here for him, why he was trying to understand him and especially why he was still dealing with his annoying existence. the doors were wide open for him to leave so why didn’t he do so?

“no baby you’re everything but.”

that was the reason. sunwoo didn’t or didn’t _want_ to understand what a terrible boyfriend chanhee was. he thinks that the older is the one but he isn’t. he’s not the love of his life nor the best thing that ever happened to him.

he’s just the stupid boy that had hidden a suicide letter in his nightstand, so he could put it on his pillow for sunwoo to find once he would wake up and notice that chanhee was missing. and also the one that has been planning since months to end his life on exact this night by jumping from that stupid bridge near their home.

he didn’t reply to his boyfriend anymore because when his brain finally started progressing the younger’s dream, all he could think of was, how the hell did sunwoo happen to find out about this giant secret of his?

could he predict the future... in his god damn _dreams?_

**Author's Note:**

> whooo this was.... intense. kudos and comments are very appreciated and let me know if there’s something more i should tag!!


End file.
